1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
