I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
