I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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