So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
