Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
