in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Is Oprah even human
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
