Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
