I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
