Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
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why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
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I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name