I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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