This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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