youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
