you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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