Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
