I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
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I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
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Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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