I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
