My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
