I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
