it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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