i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
