So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
