I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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