I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
