Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
