I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
