You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
