I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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