so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
