i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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