Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Pants are for mortals
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
