we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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