Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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