So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
