I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
