Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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