ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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