i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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