I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
