I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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