help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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