Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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