Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Little spoons don't ask big questions
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
