do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
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No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
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I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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