when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
