so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
