i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
