The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
