I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
