I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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