meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
it's like heaven, but drunker
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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