I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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