there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I lost the right to judge tonight
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER