i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
