YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
