there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
