Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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